


Near-Painless

by xYoSa



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Bruce Banner, M/M, Ouch, hair waxing, minor misunderstanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 20:22:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21434167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xYoSa/pseuds/xYoSa
Summary: Bruce has never been very self-conscious about his body hair before, but when he starts dating Tony, he begins noticing some hints here and there that Tony isn’t a big fan of Bruce’s hairy chest. Without discussing it with Tony to find out if that’s truly how he feels, he decides to take drastic measures to make himself more desirable to his boyfriend.
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Tony Stark
Comments: 22
Kudos: 129
Collections: Science Bros Bingo 2019





	Near-Painless

**Author's Note:**

> This fic fills the square “caress” on my bingo card for Science Bros Bingo 2019.
> 
> This started as a crackfic idea that I didn’t expect to actually write, but thanks to the encouragement of several of my friends on discord, here we are! The finished product is really not very crackish if you ask me, but your feelings may vary ;)

Bruce had never been self-conscious about his body hair, until he started dating Tony.

He wasn’t at first. Tony certainly didn’t seem to mind Bruce’s above-average hairiness. He appeared to enjoy running his fingers through the ample layer of hair covering Bruce’s chest and abs as much as he did the messy curls on Bruce’s head. But it wasn’t long before Bruce began to notice little things about Tony and his preferences.

Tony himself had very little natural chest hair, but the places where he _ would _have a lot of natural hair were exceedingly well-maintained. Bruce never asked for details, but he figured Tony must have his own personal esthetician on call for the slightest hair out of place. Because it was very difficult for Bruce to imagine the contortions Tony would have to do to wax some of these regions all by himself.

Bruce, on the other hand, had never seen body wax in his life, and the only place a razor had ever touched him was on his face.

Still, if Tony was content with Bruce’s appearance, then so was Bruce.

Until the little comments from the rest of the team began.

The weather was getting chillier. One day in November, after a mission near Toronto, Bruce woke up shirtless in a field outside the city, shivering. The quinjet arrived a few moments later to collect him.

“What are you shivering for?” Clint joked as he helped Bruce to his feet. “You’ve got a permanent fur coat on!”

Steve chuckled at that, and to Bruce’s surprise, so did Tony.

Once on the quinjet, Tony draped a blanket over Bruce’s shoulders and curled up beside him on the bench for warmth, kissing him on the cheek and running his fingers through his chest hair.

“I think you’re the one keeping _ me _ warm here, Bruciebear, not the other way around,” he said with a little laugh.

Bruce tried to smile, but he wasn’t sure if Tony was serious or not. Did he really think Bruce was too hairy? And was just too nice to explicitly suggest he do something about it? Was that why he called him Brucie _ bear? _

Tony didn’t say anything else overt after that for a while, and Bruce would’ve felt weird bringing it up out of nowhere, so he did his best to forget about it. 

Then one Friday evening, he came home to the penthouse after a day in his lab to find Tony and Rhodey giggling over beers like a couple of teenagers as they watched a slideshow of old photos that was being projected onto the wall by Jarvis.

“Bruce!” exclaimed Tony when he saw him.

“Hey Tony, hey Rhodey,” said Bruce with a smile as he approached the couch where they were seated. “What’s up?”

“Rhodey finally digitized the photos he took of us at MIT,” Tony explained, taking a swig of beer. “God we were idiots.”

“Speak for yourself,” countered Rhodey with a laugh. “Pretty sure I was the only reason you made it out of there alive.”

“That’s not how _ I _remember it.”

As Rhodey and Tony bickered, Bruce grabbed a beer and joined them on the couch. He’d heard stories from Tony and Rhodey about their college antics, of course, but had never seen any photos.

Rhodey began flipping through the slideshow again, and he and Tony laughed and reminisced about each photo, explaining the background to Bruce. Tony in the university’s robotics lab, by far the youngest and most awkward-looking person there, sporting safety glasses and a rather geeky haircut as he soldered something (“My early design for U!” Tony exclaimed). Tony at a house party sitting on a couch with a beer in one hand and his arm around the shoulders of a very muscular, shirtless guy next to him, trying to look like he fit in with this much older crowd (“What was his name again?” asked Rhodey. “I don’t think I ever got it,” laughed Tony). Rhodey and Tony on the front steps of their dorm building wearing baggy, brightly-colored late 80s outfits, both of them laughing at the camera as Tony flipped off Rhodey without him seeing (“You were such a little shit,” Rhodey said. “Still am,” Tony replied, flipping off Rhodey with a grin). Tony on a large sailboat, a little older now, his awkwardness gone, wearing sunglasses and swim trunks, lounging on the deck with Rhodey on one side and a good-looking long-haired guy in speedos on the other.

Bruce gathered from Tony and Rhodey’s laughing commentary that two or three of the guys appearing in some of the photos were exes of Tony’s. Most of them, according to Rhodey, were kind of assholes despite their good looks.

“Hey, Kirk wasn’t too bad!” objected Tony, indicating one of the guys in a group photo showing Tony, Rhodey and their friends at a beach party in Cape Cod.

“Tony, Kirk is the one who introduced you to cocaine.”

“Oh yeah,” said Tony thoughtfully, and all three of them laughed. “Okay he was kind of a dick.”

The three of them passed the evening pleasantly, enjoying some beers and swapping tales from their youth. Bruce had a few stories of his own that raised Tony and Rhodey’s eyebrows, especially from his freshman year, when he enjoyed his newfound freedom from his less-than-happy upbringing a little too much. It was nice that they could all look back at their antics now and laugh.

It wasn’t until after Rhodey left for the evening, and Bruce and Tony were getting ready for bed, that Bruce suddenly realized that none of Tony’s ex-boyfriends in those photos had any chest hair.

And just like that, his insecurities came back to punch him in the gut. Well shit. Maybe Tony really did prefer his boyfriends more…aerodynamic.

Maybe when he ran his fingers across Bruce’s chest and abs, caressing the hair there with a smile, it wasn’t in fondness. Maybe it was meant to be teasing, because he was trying to tell Bruce something. To politely hint that Bruce should consider some, well, _ maintenance _.

They undressed and got into bed, Bruce on his back with Tony cuddled up to him. Tony gripped some of Bruce’s chest hair lightly in his hand and let out a little giggle, then leaned up to kiss him goodnight.

Maybe it was Bruce’s imagination, but he couldn’t help but worry that that giggle was a bit mocking.

* * *

Bruce stood by the hair removal products at the pharmacy the next day, a box of wax in each hand, comparing their features and claims.

_ Easy to apply strips! _ boasted one. _ Microwavable! _said the other. Both promised ‘near-painless removal.’

He felt kind of ridiculous standing there. What must the other shoppers think? He did feel a little over his head here, but he was determined to go through with this. It was just—if he was honest with himself, he never really felt good enough for Tony. When Tony had first asked him out, he thought it was a prank for a minute. What on earth could _ Tony Stark _ see in _ him? _

But he’d been dead serious, Bruce quickly realized. And over the past two months since their first date, their feelings for each other had only grown. He loved Tony, and he didn’t doubt Tony’s love for him, he really didn’t. But that didn’t mean he shouldn’t try to be as attractive as possible for his boyfriend, right? Because as much as Tony loved him, he clearly preferred a certain body type. His series of smooth-chested ex-boyfriends, his own meticulous hair removal routine, and the little teasing jabs at Bruce’s expense proved that.

That settled it. He tossed the box labeled ‘microwavable’ into his basket and headed to the cash register.

Tony wasn’t home when Bruce arrived, thankfully. Bruce wanted to be fully done by the time he got there. Without delay, he headed to the kitchen and, following the instructions in the kit, opened and heated the small jar of wax, hoping it would be enough for his entire chest and abs.

When it was ready, he brought everything to the ensuite bathroom, took off his shirt, and pulled out the cloth strips from the box. After double checking the instructions, he used the wooden applicator stick to spread a one-inch-thick line of the hot wax on the upper left corner of his chest. It smarted a bit, being so hot, but the instructions said that was normal. Picking up a cloth strip, he carefully placed it over the wax and pressed it down firmly.

“Here goes nothing,” he said to himself, grasping a corner of the strip.

But just then, Tony entered the bedroom and caught sight of him through the open door of the ensuite.

“Bruce? Oh good, you’re here.” He crossed the room before Bruce, stunned by Tony’s sudden appearance, could even think about moving to close the door. “I wanted to ask you if—”

He stopped in his tracks at the bathroom threshold, lips parting in surprise as he took in the scene before him: the open box of wax on the vanity, the cloth strip stuck to Bruce’s chest, and the mortified look on Bruce’s face in the mirror.

“What the…”

He entered the bathroom and put a hand on Bruce’s shoulder, turning him to face him. Bruce stood in front of Tony, unable to think of anything to say as his mind blanked out at Tony’s confused, almost hurt expression.

“Bruce.” Tony shook his head in shock. “What are you _ doing _ ? You’re gonna—” he ran a hand gently over Bruce’s chest—“_wax _ your chest? Why?”

The genuine bewilderment in Tony’s voice and on his face instantly cast everything Bruce had previously thought into doubt. He thought…he was _ sure _ …didn’t Tony _ want _ this?

“I thought…” he began, suddenly suspecting that he was about to feel like a complete jackass. “You said…well, I was under the impression that you preferred…um…less hairy men.”

For a moment, Tony just stared. That was clearly the last thing he expected Bruce to say.

“You thought _ I _ preferred—?” He cut himself off, obviously struggling with what to do with this sudden revelation from Bruce. His face displayed disbelief a few seconds longer, but then it changed to exasperation as he exclaimed, “Bruce, you dummy! Where on earth did you get that idea? Don’t you know I _ adore _ your hairy chest?” He brought both his hands up again, running his fingers through the hair, careful not to touch the cloth strip still stuck to one side. “This is like…one of the sexiest things about you!”

Now it was Bruce’s turn to be surprised.

“What? But…those pictures Rhodey showed us yesterday. Your ex-boyfriends, they were all nearly hairless.”

Tony frowned. “Well yeah, but we were barely nineteen in those photos. Hardly any guys are really hairy yet at that age. I didn’t _ choose _ them for their lack of hair.”

“Oh.” Bruce considered that. It was true that his own chest hair wasn’t nearly as thick in college as it was now, so that would make sense. But still, there were those other hints he’d gotten from Tony lately, too. “But you…laughed after our last mission when Clint said I had a permanent fur coat. And then you joked that I was the one keeping you warm on the quinjet.” He felt kind of pathetic voicing his insecurity aloud. It had sounded so much worse when he was turning it over in his mind.

“Aw, Bruciebear,” said Tony a little sadly. “I didn’t mean to sound like I was laughing at you. You just looked so damn miserable when we got there, like you always do post-Hulk-out—all naked and exhausted and confused—I think Barton was just trying in his own way to lighten the mood. And I know you feel guilty sometimes about needing so much help after a code green, so I thought it would make you smile to hear a dumb joke about you being the one helping _me_ out for a change. But I see now how it might’ve sounded like I was mocking you. I didn’t mean to.” He put a hand on each of Bruce’s arms and looked him lovingly in the eye. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“No, no,” Bruce said quickly, hating the look of remorse on Tony’s face. _ God, _he felt like such an idiot. “I shouldn’t have doubted you. I was just feeling a bit self-conscious, I guess. You’re so meticulous yourself about grooming. And I thought, maybe, the ‘Bruciebear’ thing was because I’m so hairy and you were trying to subtly tell me something. I know, it sounds ridiculous.”

Tony huffed a small laugh. “Well, maybe just a tad,” he conceded. “I mean, just think about it. When have I ever been subtle about it when I wanted to tell someone something?”

Bruce smiled in spite of himself. “Touché.”

Tony returned his smile, but faltered after a second. “But…if ‘Bruciebear’ bothers you, I can stop—”

“_ No. _” Bruce cut him off. “Don’t. I…I like it. It was just—combined with the other things, it just made me wonder. But I don’t anymore. I’m sorry I doubted your feelings.”

Tony moved close and wrapped his arms around Bruce, kissing him tenderly. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I know you feel insecure about us sometimes, even though you shouldn’t.”

Bruce blushed a little at that and rested his head on Tony’s shoulder to hide his face. Of course Tony would have noticed that, he wasn’t an idiot. There probably weren’t many people who _ wouldn’t _ feel at least a little insecure about being in a steady relationship with fucking Iron Man.

“But in the future,” Tony continued, “I hope you know you can tell me things like this. If only so I can beat it into your skull that I love you exactly how you are.”

They both laughed, and Bruce lifted his head from Tony’s shoulder to give him a long, grateful kiss.

“I will. And I love you too.”

He took a step back and turned to look at the stupid strip of cloth on his chest in his reflection.

“I’m such an idiot.” He scrubbed a hand over his eyes in embarrassment. “How do I get this shit off?”

Tony smiled sympathetically. “Hate to break it to you, babe, but I think there’s only one way to get it off at this point.”

Bruce’s eyes grew wide. “No.”

“’Fraid so. This is soft wax. It sticks to your hair _ and _ your skin like a son-of-a-bitch. If you hadn’t already put the strip on it, there might have been another way.” He bent down for a closer look. “But it’s stuck to the wax pretty good now. So yeah, I don’t see any alternatives here.”

“Fuck.” Bruce pinched a corner of the cloth strip and gave a gentle tug. It didn’t budge. “_ Fuck. _”

“Want some help? I’ve got a bit more experience than you in this area. It’s gonna hurt like hell either way, but it’ll hurt even more if you try to do it yourself.”

“But it says near-painless,” Bruce protested, picking up the box to show him.

“Ha. Hahaha,” Tony chuckled with a knowing look. “No, Bruce. You’re about to rip your hair out by the roots, and a bunch of skin cells to boot. I promise you, it will not be remotely close to anything resembling near-painless. The box is full of shit.”

“_ Fuck,” _ Bruce said again. God, he was _ such _ a dumbass.

Tony was barely suppressing a giggle now.

“So would you like me to do the honors, or…?”

Bruce sighed, but couldn’t stop the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth at his ridiculous predicament. He closed his eyes and nodded. Didn’t this just take the cake.

“Alright, hold still.” Tony’s giggling had subsided, but Bruce could hear the amusement in his voice. He pinched a corner of the cloth and Bruce tensed, waiting for the inevitable. “On the count of three. One—”

He ripped off the strip in one swift motion without counting to three.

Bruce had thought he’d be prepared for the pain, after what Tony had just told him. But nothing could have prepared him for _that_. He let out a loud, inarticulate yell that definitely had more than a little of Hulk’s mighty roar mixed in. It felt like Tony had just taken a belt sander to his chest to sand off his skin. He jumped backward and instinctively brought up a hand to his chest to make sure he hadn’t actually lost all of the skin there. It felt smooth to the touch, and tender, but the skin was definitely still there, minus a large strip of hair.

Tony gave him a slightly apologetic look, even as his lip twitched with a suppressed smile.

“Sorry. I know from experience that it’s better if you don’t know when it’s coming.”

Bruce didn’t answer. He was still panting from the shock of the intense pain.

“You okay?” asked Tony, putting a hand on Bruce’s shoulder and dipping his head to meet his eyes. “I thought I saw a bit of a green tint to your skin for a second there.”

“Yeah,” Bruce managed, chest still heaving. He looked at the wax strip that Tony was holding, which was covered with a thick mat of his hair. “Tony…” he said, regarding him with complete seriousness, “I wouldn’t give a shit if you really did hate my chest hair. I am never…_ever_…doing _that_ again.”

Tony took one look at Bruce’s dead-serious expression and then he burst out laughing, loud and jovial, leaning against the vanity for support as he shook with unrestrained mirth. Bruce couldn’t help but join in, especially when he caught sight of himself in the mirror, sporting the absolutely ridiculous bare patch of shiny red skin on the side of his chest. 

“You know what? I wouldn't blame you,” Tony said a moment later, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes as he regained his composure. “But honestly, though, this is nothing. You should try having your balls waxed sometime. Now _ that’s _ pain.”

“Oh my God.” Bruce had almost forgotten that this was a regular occurrence for Tony. “_Why_ do you subject yourself to that?”

Tony shrugged. “What can I say, I’ve gotten used to a certain aesthetic down there. Plus it itches like a bitch if I try to let it grow back. At least my esthetician uses hard wax. It’s a lot less painful. Of course, having it done on your balls kind of cancels out the pain savings…”

They laughed again and then turned to tidy up all the pieces of the waxing kit that were strewn over the vanity. Bruce unceremoniously dropped the jar of wax into the wastebasket, hoping to never see such a terrifying product again for the rest of his life.

Bruce put his shirt back on, a little self-conscious about his bald patch. But when they were lying on the bed together a short while later, Tony reached his hand up Bruce’s shirt to idly caress his chest and stomach all over.

It felt really nice.

“Tony?” Bruce said after a while.

“Mm?”

“You still have a lawyer on retainer, right?”

“Got a whole team. Why?”

Bruce smiled. “I think I want to sue the makers of that wax for false advertising. ‘Near-painless’ my hairy ass.”

**Author's Note:**

> Bruce's chest hair is sexy as hell and that’s a fact.


End file.
